Must We Watch As Our Wonderful Sport of Soccer Is Tainted? (Satire)

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Must We Watch As Our Wonderful Sport of Soccer Is Tainted? (Satire)

Nick S., Guest Writer

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It is a horrible sight to those who watch soccer to flip on their televisions and see unsportsmanlike behavior from their idols, the superstars of soccer. This used to happen rarely, back in the days when all soccer players respected their beautiful sport and sportsmanship was expected. Nowadays, this happens more and more frequently. This problem of a lack of sportsmanship more often than not manifests itself in the refusal by players to play in games for their club. This is a problem because it can happen with any team in which a player is unhappy with how much time they are getting or who they think that they should be playing with. This has happened multiple times in history, but most recently the case of Dmitri Payet has caught the attention of the entire soccer world because he is an extremely talented player who has accrued many fans from all over the world. His team, Westham United, relied on him last season in the majority of their endeavors. He was the best selling team jersey and he scored the most goals on his club, with 9 goals in the premier league. He began to refuse to play because he thought that all of the other players on his team were beneath him and that he deserved to be traded to a better team. This sets a very bad precedent, if all good players decided that they wanted to change teams because they believed that they were the best on their team then the lower levels of soccer would have no talent at all. In addition, the teams would be spending millions of dollars on players that may refuse to play at any moment. This makes it risky to invest in players above the average skill level of your team, and may discourage investment in new, better players. The only defense against this is fining players weeks of wages, which may not have an effect on already rich players who are set on moving clubs anyways. My proposal will present an alternative solution to this issue that has plagued professional soccer for years.  

Recently, this problem has come into the limelight of the soccer world and millions of people are outraged. To combat this, I would like to make a very well formulated and strategic proposal. I humbly suggest that, given that the circumstances call for it, the governing body of soccer consider a more harsh punishment for individuals who refuse to play for personal gain. The fines and condemnation not only do not work, they simply draw more attention and publicity towards the player.

Therefore, in light of all of the other options being exhausted, the governing body of soccer should have no other choice than to accept my proposal. I suggest that the player who refuses to play have his dominant foot cut off. Not only will this be a swift and sure punishment for disgracing the soccer world, but it will also ensure that this player is never able to play the game of soccer again. Built on sportsmanship and competition, the game of soccer is equally as ruthless as it is fun. Players who refuse to play are obviously very weak and lack sportsmanship, and people possessing those characteristics truly do not deserve to play the beautiful game of soccer.

This method of punishment would also likely serve as a very good deterrent towards players who decide that they do not want to play. According to multiple sources, players who go professional in soccer often have a great love for the sport. The threat of losing the ability to play the sport that they are passionate about would likely discourage many from following the course of Dmitri Payet, and would restore the great sportsmanship on which soccer is built. This solution is really the only answer, all of our other options are virtually exhausted. I recommend that this policy be implemented immediately, and that all players who have done this in the past be punished immediately as examples for other players.

The advantages I have stated are abundant and obvious as well as of the highest importance. First of all, it is estimated by that soccer teams would be willing to spend an average of $2 million more every year on new players above the skill level of the rest of their team. If they cannot refuse to play, then there is no risk in buying them to play for a club. This would lead to many millions of dollars pouring into the soccer world in the form of investments, would draw more talented players to pick up the sport, and would increase the fanbase of the sport because games would involve many more skillful players and would make a much better viewing experience. Already, this influx of money invested into the sport has many advantages, enough to alone encourage many to agree with my proposal. However, this is not the only advantageous outcome of my plan.

Secondly, This proposal would all but eliminate poor sportsmanship from the ranks of soccer players. As a result of players who refuse to play, the sport of soccer as a whole is involving less sportsmanship than ever before. Of all of the players that have refused to play in years past, approximately 80% of them averaged 2 red cards per season. The average red cards per season for other soccer players hovers around 0.5 red cards. This is a major indicator of poor sportsmanship and dirty playing by players who refuse to play for their club. Therefore, by physically making them unable to play the game of soccer again we are cleaning up the dredges of the soccer world. Truly, those who disgrace the game and its rules should not be able to play it, according to 96% of soccer fans and players agree with this sentiment.

Thirdly, This would provide the world of soccer with a way to get back at players that have disgraced its values in the past. The only true way to punish a soccer lover, according to, is to chop off his dominant leg. This way, they are never able to truly enjoy themselves again.

I can think of no objection, that will possibly be raised against this proposal, by anyone who has the good of soccer in mind. My plan is as beneficial as it would be effective, with both active advantages such as increased investment and passive ones such as it serving as a deterrent for players looking to spite their club managers. Other plans of action that may be proposed may seem sound initially but are generally lacking in the way of effectiveness and the amount of advantages offered.

Some looking to solve this predicament have suggested the payment of more fines, but as Albert Einstein once said, the definition of insanity is doing that same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. This would not be as radical a change as is necessary for the soccer world to witness real improvements and would not be effective. In reality, this would likely lead to more players refusing to play for their club in order to get a transfer, as it would call much more attention to them if they lose more money.

Still others have suggested that it be put in players contracts that they can be fired if they refuse to play, but this idea should be rejected by all in favor of mine for it would only work in around 20 years, when all players with current contracts that do not include this detail expire. In addition, this may lead to some players negotiating out of these terms while other players have to follow that rule, leading to a smaller number of players that could refuse to play. This would make it so that when one of these few players does refuse to play, the entire world of soccer will be watching to see what happens next, and all that publicity is exactly what they want.

In conclusion, this proposal carries with it far more advantages than any other plan that may rival it. It solves all of the issues of the soccer community, and in many ways improves the community as a whole. I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of the sport of soccer. After all, what would I have to personally gain from such a proposal? The answer is nothing, and I implore you to see this and accept my word as truly unbiased. We must, as patrons and loyal fans of soccer, see to it that this change is made to soccer; for the good of our beautiful sport!

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